The Outing
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: Shepard takes the ladies out for some fun on the Citadel. Tali is energetic. Liara is in love. Ashley just can't tell the aliens from the animals, which could be trouble as there is a cat stuck up a tree that needs rescuing. Only one woman has the qualifications.


**The Outing**

My second attempt at parody. I call this a parody fic because it isn't at all serious.

Repetition and any odd wording featured are all totally intentional. I must warn you, there's no real point to this fic other than to keep my inner writing cogs turning and hopefully to earn a laugh or two out of anyone kind enough to read this. And I assure you, the Ashley bashing is all in good jest. I like the Chief.

Please, I do hope you enjoy the silliness. Review if you like.

* * *

"Oh, James! You are but a lowly peasant and I am a princess! Our love is forbidden!" The feminine doll's hand is carefully positioned to press dramatically over a large plastic breast, cupping it. In a high pitched voice the commentary continues, "If my father were to discover us together… oh, the shame of it! He'd _kill_ you!"

"I don't care," says the narrator in a deeper pitch as the muscular man doll is pushed forward, though a little too roughly; calloused fingers worn with use slip and the action figure is sent careening over the edge of the bed, hitting the floor with a dull crack. Its head – wearing a perpetually manly grimace and now separated from the body – bounces out of sight.

"Shit," mutters the woman who had been playing with the figures moments before. "James is dead. Improvise. Hmm…" She thoughtfully positions the female doll further upon the bed, rolling onto her belly as she then bends it forward with a thumb's brush that also smoothes its rumpled dress. Satisfied, next she gently turns the plastic woman's head so it is angled in the fallen counterpart's direction. "Perfect. Ahem."

The narrator starts once more with a dramatic wail as the solitary doll woman exclaims, "James! _No_! You poor, sweet creature." A plastic hand is raised on high and the strained voice continues unevenly, "For he saw not the rock in his path, and he did trip upon it as he did rush for the embrace. His mind was clouded with the tender fog of eternal love. I remember like the stinging of a raw wound the desire in his eyes, alive like a wild animal, furiously clawing its way out his-"

"Are you playing with the dolls again, Commander?"

The woman stops, her head jerking upwards as she aims a glare at the ceiling. "I don't know. Are you watching me play with the dolls again, _Joker_?" she barks back, mimicking his voice with some success.

"We've reached the Citadel, by the way. Just thought you'd want to know." With that said, Joker's godlike presence leaves the Commander's quarters.

"Douche." She sighs, flipping herself onto her back, swinging her long, muscular legs over the bed shortly thereafter. She stands quickly and bends over, retrieving 'James' off the floor before forcing him into a box in a rather scandalous position with the lady doll on top. The box is then hidden under one of the joined mattresses forming a double bed of sorts. "Bye, guys. We'll play later."

There is no reply, so she imagines one in her head.

"Miss you too." She straightens herself, looking impeccable as she approaches the entrance to her room. "Open says me." The Commander takes her leave, marching briskly through the automatically opening doors, which ease shut behind her. "Close says me."

She makes her way to the bridge, nodding in acknowledgement to her saluting crew. Eventually she reaches the pilot's chair. She takes a moment to look around, nodding her approval.

There are many impressive buttons. Some of them flicker with bright colours. They look like gummy sweets with lights in them.

"Hello, favourite bearded man."

"Ah, Commander! I'm surprised you're not leading your merry band-"

She strikes the back of Joker's head with the back of her hand, knocking off the baseball cap he had been wearing.

"Ow! What the fuck!"

"That is for watching me. That is also for interrupting me when I am in the middle of my happy time," she scolds in monotone. "Don't do it again." Satisfied, she nods, then turns on her heels neatly and leaves the pilot to his whimpering slash muffled cursing.

Kaidan raises an eyebrow. "'Happy time', huh?"

"Bitch could've beheaded me like _James_ and you're sitting there, being a tit…"

"Who's James?"

* * *

As the lift descends and Shepard has her back turned to her companions, Ashley silently strikes.

"Ouch!" Gripping a stinging butt cheek, Liara stumbles forward a few steps, almost colliding with the Commander. Irritated, the asari then spins around to aim an injured look Williams.

"What?" asks the soldier innocently, batting her eyelashes.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Why did you pinch me just now?"

"I didn't pinch you. Why would I pinch you?"

"That is what I am asking."

"But I didn't pinch you in the first place."

"Yes, you did. I felt it. I am still feeling it!"

"Didn't."

"You did."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Shut up."

"Apologise."

"I didn't do anything! Wasn't me, okay! Shit."

Liara disbelievingly looks to Tali for an explanation.

The quarian's bright eyes narrow and she turns herself to the side with arms folded. "Oh, _sure_. It was me. I did it."

"How could you?"

"Sarcasm! I'm being sarcastic. It was her."

Williams takes a bite at the slender, gloved digit pointing at her nose, her snapping jaws narrowly missing the tip of the quarian's finger.

"Hey! A tear in my suit could kill me!"

"I know."

"Why, you bosh-"

"Bring it on, bucket-head."

The elevator door opens and Shepard strolls calmly outside, Liara hurrying after her and shooting concerned glances from over her shoulder at the catfight taking place in the lift.

The asari clears her throat. "Um, Commander…"

"Avina! Yes!" Failing to notice any of this, Shepard hurries to the aforementioned hologram. Eagerly she logs herself in, then leans forward on the consol to smile charmingly at the virtual intelligence program. "Hey, there."

"Hello," greets the VI in a pleasant tone. "I am Avina. Welcome to Presidium Terminal-"

"I know who you are, sugar. We chatted last week. It was fun."

T'Soni frowns, tilting her head curiously. "Um, Shepard? What-?"

"I am not able to make that kind of qualified judgement. My code is limited to simple information and-"

"Sure, sure. So. You come here often, beautiful, or do I just keep catching you at the right time?"

Liara frowns more deeply, scratching her head in a confused fashion. "I am unsure why you're asking it such-"

"You are currently logged onto Presidium Terminal-"

"You're right. That was a silly question, huh?"

"I am not able to make that kind of qualified-"

"Shh, honey. No need to explain. Babble when you're nervous, don't you? It's cute."

Blue eyes widening, the Prothean expert takes a tentative step backward, glancing anxiously from hologram to human and back again. "You're concerning me now, Commander. It's not sentient. You do know that it can't-"

"I apologise if my personality has offended you. Please submit all formal complaints in writing to-"

"Whoa, whoa. Complaints? No complaints here. I don't find your personality offensive at all, snuggles. Merely... rigid. You're still seriously hot, though. Do you sing? Dance, maybe?"

"The current temperature is twenty two degrees Celsius."

"Ooh. Say that again, toots."

"The current temperature is twenty two degrees Celsius."

The look of horror on her solely present companion's face goes unnoticed by Shepard as the Commander pokes a thumb through the hologram's left breast.

* * *

"It's really nice of you to treat us to an outing like this, Shepard." Liara blushes when Ashley catches her staring longingly after the Commander's swaying behind.

Williams raises a single finger, brushing it along her own throat as if slicing it with a knife. Her tongue pops out the corner of her mouth and she feigns death mid-walk. "_Eeuck_."

T'Soni shudders.

This exchange goes unnoticed by the Spectre, who marches ahead with purpose and dignity. "No problem. After all your hard work during that last mission, you deserve some pampering. Besides." She shrugs. "I'm rich."

"Tali wasn't with us," Ashley hisses venomously, eyes narrowing on the quarian as she rushes around like a loose terrier, _ooh_-ing and _aah_-ing at every merchant's table. "So why is she here?"

Shepard shrugs again, waving a hand offhandedly. "She's cute."

Increasing her pace to avoid Williams and to get closer to the Commander, Liara asks in a soft, hopeful tone, "Shepard, if I wasn't on the last mission, would you treat me anyway because you found me… cute, too?"

Not a second of thought is wasted as the human replies brusquely, "Of course."

The archaeologist swoons. "I _knew_ it…"

"Hey, what about me?"

"Yeah, Chief. I suppose you, too."

"_Ass_."

"Commander Shepard? W-wait!"

The group pauses with surprise as a human boy comes sprinting madly toward them, his short arms flailing and mouth open wide, emitting a shrieking sound that startles the nearby elcor.

"That kid recognises me?"

"You _are_ a celebrity, skipper."

"Then why's nobody asking for my autogr-?"

The lad latches onto the Spectre's long leg, sniffling noisily into her armour plating.

"Um," says Shepard eloquently, giving the child a slight nudge with her boot.

"Oh, how delightful," coos Liara, tilting her head and smiling softly as the Commander tries to walk away from the boy, in turn swinging him with her. "I enjoy seeing your motherly side."

"What's going on?" Tali pipes up energetically, rejoining the team. She points a slender digit at the glimpses she catches of the child. "_Ooh_, smallish human."

"He sounds upset."

"My leg feels wet. I don't like it."

Ashley steps forward, halting the Spectre's movements. She bends down, gently laying her hand on the kid's trembling back. "Hey there," she says softly.

His whimpers are stifled slightly as he pulls back to peer curiously at her. "H-hello."

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

"M-my c-c-cat is stuck in a tree. Please help." His eyes are huge and watery.

She fondly rubs a hand atop his head, messing his hair. "Sure, kiddo."

"_Aaaw_," chorus the watching asari and quarian companions together.

"Shut up." Williams rights herself with a scowl aimed at the aliens, nonchalantly offering a hand to the youngster. "We'll rescue the cat and get you back to your parents, legal guardians or caretakers for this time," she says to him in a calm and professional manner, a faint blush visible as she then clears her throat.

"Which tree?"

"Th-that one."

"Be right back." Shepard takes off in a sprint, pushing a turian aside with urgency before vaulting herself easily up the trunk of a tree that provides a shady canopy for a salarian businessman dozing on a bench below, unaware of the loosened leaves fluttering into his lap as a branch above him quivers with a series of soft meows that turn into hisses and a yowl before a thud announces a body hitting the ground. He merely rolls over in the cramp room the bench affords him.

"She's like a superhero."

The boy smiles, throwing his free hand out with a joyous squeal as moments later the Commander returns, a small ginger cat reclined placidly in her muscular arms, her face littered with fine cuts and her hair sprouting branches.

"Here, son. You take good care of that pussy now, you hear?"

Tali stifles a snort.

"Thank you, Commander Shepard!" Reunited, the boy hugs his cat. Turning to Ashley he adds in a softer voice, "Chief."

She beams, watching him skip happily away with pleasure in her brown eyes.

"That's my girl." The Spectre gives Williams a hug.

"I feel so good, now." Ashley purrs into Shepard's chest. "So cosy."

"_Aaw_."

"Shut up."

* * *

"I dunno how I feel about being hit on by the first female krogan I've ever met." Shepard clears her throat in a calm and aloof fashion, hiding her blush with sheer willpower alone.

"Gross. Krogan are hideous and disgusting. Like _Liara_."

"Your xenophobic attitude is rude and I will not tolerate it on my ship. I will not tolerate it when we are off my ship. And I realise it was Anderson's ship, but he gave it to me, so now it's mine. It's a present. Do you understand?"

"Bu-"

"Ashley Williams." The Commander folds her strong arms sternly over her chest and tilts her head back, giving the soldier an intense glare down the length of her crooked nose. In a final tone she utters, "_I am very disappointed in you_."

The Chief makes a spluttering sound, her jaw dropping, eyes widening and filling with moisture. The world around her seems to plummet from beneath her feet. She feels wretched in her own body, tempted to claw her way out and leave this place of shame and despair. Unable to escape, she sighs, bows her head, and dejectedly plays with the little umbrella in her drink.

Satisfied, Shepard enters a series of numbers into her Codex under the title 'Hot Contacts'. "I'll be sure to call her later. Big hump on that one."

"Y-you're a xenophile?"

"Of course."

"_Why_?" Ashley discreetly weeps into her pink drink.

Liara, having noticed none of this, continues to glare dangerously at the smirking krogan across the club, her biotics flickering. She flexes a muscle and the krogan does likewise, prompting further flexing. A silent challenge passes between them.

"This is really nice. The four of us sitting together, having some girl time." The Commander sits stoically upright, staring out at the stars. There's a sense of purpose in her steeled features. Her hand rests on her trusty pistol. "Fun."

Uncomfortable silence descends upon the table.

"So," begins Tali in a conversational manner, speaking over Flux's pulsing music. "That Tantalus drive core is wild, right?"

"What?"

"Never mind."

Things grow quiet at the table once more.

"Well, I assumed that you people would somewhat understand your own ship's drive core."

A sudden bang alerts the group to a toppled chair as it hits the floor. Eyes dart to a turian clawing at his own throat as if choking on something, his companions sitting far back in their chairs with looks of shock, staring uselessly, watching him flail and wheeze for breath on the centre of their table in a mixed puddle of spilled drinks.

"That guy needs help."

"Be right back." Shepard pushes her own chair aside and with a swift movement she stands on the table she shares with her companions, using it as a steppingstone to leap over the heads of seated patrons until she reaches her destination and lands on her knees, straddling the gasping turian's hips. "Stay calm, sir."

He squeezes his eyes shut as she bangs on his belly with two fists, which does not dislodge the obstruction.

"Your body is firm." Prying his mandibles apart, she explains briskly, "I will have to enter you." Then she reaches into his mouth and twists her arm for easier access, moving her hand down his throat. She smiles reassuringly to the crowd whilst doing this. "Hi. I'm Commander Shepard. Don't be alarmed."

The entire club watches on, frozen.

"Ah. There it is." With a grunt she pulls her hand out the turian's throat. She uncurls her fingers, an olive, glistening in slime, held out for scrutiny in the centre of her palm. "Sneaky bastards."

Greedily taking in air, the turian manages to whisper, "Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"Can I have a… hug?"

"No." Tossing the olive into someone's glass, she dismounts him and hops the tables necessary to return to her companions, slipping comfortably into her seat, drink reclaimed. "I'll be here all week."

The crowd cheers.

"My hero." Liara sighs dreamily. Catching Tali's amused tilt of her head, she quickly adds, "_Our_ hero. Ours."

"_Mmhm_." The quarian winks, a bright eye sliding closed. She makes a lewd hand gesture and her asari companion giggles shyly. "You _know_ you want to, you dirty bosh'tet."

"_Stupid aliens_." Scowling, Williams takes a deep swig of her drink. She sets it on the table again roughly, producing a clinking sound as the ice cubes crash together. Muttering under her breath, she continues sullenly to herself, "_Poisoning the youth with their pornography and bad poetry_._ Yeah. I'm not crazy_._ I'm the only sane one left_,_ humph_."

"Are you okay?"

"Don't look at me."

* * *

Back on the Presidium, Shepard takes her team for a relaxing stroll in the park whilst they enjoy the effects of the previously ingested alcohol.

"_Sheeyut_. I can't tell the aliens from the… the animals. Like, is that a squirrel over there, or is that a fuzzy krogan? I dunno!"

"What did I say about your friggin' xenophobic tendencies, woman?"

The Chief pouts, angrily kicking the base of a bench as they stroll past it. In a whisper she retaliates, "But I'm drunk now. Doesn't count."

"For that you'll get no ice-cream. None, whatsoever. Hmm."

"I don't want ice-cream! I'm drunk!"

"Don't take that tone with Commander friggin' Shepard, young lady."

"Blargh."

"Ash. Ashie. Ashley."

"_Noooo_!"

"C'mere. Lookie me. Oi."

There is no answer.

"I'm talkin' to _you_, Williams."

An aggravated huff.

"Don't get coy, m'kay. That's an order, sir."

"_Yes_, skipper."

"Look… at me. Do it."

Reluctantly Ashley lifts her gaze off the floor, revealing a pout as she hazily regards the Commander through petulantly narrowed eyes.

Shepard folds her strong arms sternly over her chest and tilts her head back, in turn stumbling back, though she rights herself quickly, giving the soldier an intense glare down the length of her crooked nose.

"Don't say it."

"_I am very disappointed _– hic –_ in you_. Boom. Magic, baby."

Williams sways, clutching at her chest. She chokes under the overwhelming sensation of having a great weight fall upon her, crushing her flat. She falls onto the floor, lying on her back, staring up at the darkening sky. An illusion. That's all it is, and she knows it. All is an illusion. There is no such thing as truth. Anywhere. Ever.

"See that? Hurr."

There is the sound of something shattering; it reverberates within Ashley's bosom and out her gaping jaw, the resonance akin to the echo of a dropped glass.

In the pause that follows, nothing happens.

"Uh, you okay down there, Chiefy?"

"I think you broke something," Tali slurs with distinct concern lacing her accented words, Liara's unabashed facial expression matching.

"My heart." Williams kicks weakly. "Go on without me," she drawls, dramatically extending a hand.

Shepard nods, satisfied. "Okie dokie." Then she walks. "Wait. Wrong way. Dammit."

Sharing a look, asari and quarian clumsily work together to pick their drunken comrade up off of the ground, carrying her between them as they follow after the swaggering Commander; humming a song to herself.

"I love you guys… you kindly alien bastards. We should all totally… embrace eternity sometime, huh?"

"I think I just barfed in my helmet."

"EEEW!"

* * *

Doctor Karin Chakwas runs her tongue slowly across her upper lip, savouring the taste of her cherry flavoured gloss – for special occasions, of course. "It's been too long, my dear," she says huskily, unable to hide her arousal. She's as spry now as she was ten years ago. Age has simply made her more dignified in her mischief. But right now, she's struggling to maintain control with the object of her desire standing so close, the scent of antiseptic like a sweet and heady perfume on that curvaceous body her eyes devour up and down.

The other medical practitioner in the room smirks. "I agree." Chloe Michel reaches out, coyly toying with silver strands forming the identical hairstyle the older woman sports. She giggles, remembering the pact they once made; they wanted to be able to remember each other whenever they looked upon their reflections. It made sense to them, though the effeminate turian hairstylist merely raised an eyeridge at the request. He knew not the passionate depths of their love for one another. Their meetings were so precious and rare – the nights apart, equally cold and lonely.

"Kiss me."

"Close the door, you minx."

* * *

The coming activities would knock the Citadel out of its proper orbit by three full degrees, an issue the Keepers would frantically work to rectify.

Happy ending.

* * *

Utter crack.

I was amused by the 'waving a hand offhandedly' line myself. Meh.

Again, I hope this was at least mildly funny. There is no point to it. PWP, but without the porn, even. It's WP.

Like everything else in the universe…


End file.
